i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
