Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
