I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
