if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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