I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
