too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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