He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
