3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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