My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
