Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
