i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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