I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
