Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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