yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
