I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize