have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
im calling her cock vulture from now on
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
