She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
