I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
