I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
