That's when you crack a 10am beer
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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