Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
