remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
