I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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