remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
