I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
