Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
