She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
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