My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
