just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize