new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
