I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
