do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
