God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
