Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
