listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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