why didn't you poke me back
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
