the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize