I'm jealous of your bromance
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
