Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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