whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
You work out of a Hotel?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
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