you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
