awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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