Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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