I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
