if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
