i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
