also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
