I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
