Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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