Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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