Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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