she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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