I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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