Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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