so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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