A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Acid is not a monday night drug
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
