he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
