Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
