I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
