Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My cat gives me a boner
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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